


A World Without You

by WeWalkADifferentPath



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: 2x15, Comfort, Conflict, Feels, Hurt, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Insecure Magnus Bane, It's not suicide don't worry, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Relationship(s), malec fighting, talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-22 16:58:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11384466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWalkADifferentPath/pseuds/WeWalkADifferentPath
Summary: Inspired by recent episodes and the promos for 2x15. Alec reads Magnus's notebook, and finds out that Magnus has  made a plan to deal with his grief that has devastating consequences for Alec.





	1. I Loved and I Loved

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic that I wrote in one go, didn't get anyone to edit, and decided to publish anyways because it's in my head now and I have to share it. Don't judge me! But do feel free to comment or hmu at wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com , and share in the Malec obsession.

Alec knew he shouldn't do it. 

He was ashamed of himself, even as he took the smooth cover into his hands. Magnus wasn't home. He was with a client, and wouldn't be home until later that night. 

Alec shouldn't do it. But the book was right there, on the desk. It was surrounded by various magical items and ingredients but somehow it looked out of place; the cover was too simple, black leather, with no title or inscription. Just a regular journal, only larger, and somehow heavier, as if the words themselves were weighing it down. 

It was one of a thousand books in Magnus's study. It could have been a generic spell book, or history book, like any of the others- the ones that Alec was allowed to read- but somehow he knew that it wasn't. 

Which is why he felt horribly guilty, even as he opened it to a random page.

He skimmed the words quickly and delicately, as if that made him less culpable than reading would. At first he only caught vague pieces of scattered information: 

_The werewolf is experiencing particularly painful transformations... will need to find-_

_Last night, Raphael was over. I miss the way things-_

_There have been increasing reports of magic becoming uncontrollable in the east side of town. Find records on-_

Pretty much exactly what Alec had expected to find in the notebook of a High Warlock. The dates seemed to stretch back over more than a year, Magnus's cramped handwriting and the size of the book allowing for a lot of information to squish into this one volume. Alec wondered exactly how much was in here. Were there details about Magnus's wards? His weak points? If someone found this, could they use it against him? But surely Magnus kept his important possessions well-guarded. 

Besides, as Alec skimmed, there didn't seem to be anything too crucial in here that would- 

Alec's eye caught something, and he came to an abrupt halt. 

_After the body switch..._

Blood rushed to Alec's face as his heart started pounding. Magnus hadn't talked about everything that had happened with Valentine, not once. Not to anyone, as far as Alec could tell. Alec had wanted to be patient, not to push, since he knew that he of all people was entitled to very little after that ordeal. But it had been months and Magnus had still divulged nothing. 

Alec knew that his boyfriend was hurting. And if the information was all here...

But no. Alec wanted to know, desperately, but he wanted it to be right. He wanted to be _told._ He wanted to be trusted, and this was not how trust was built. 

He was about to close the book, already feeling his cheeks burn with guilt, when he saw something else that made him pause. 

Peering closer, his heart stuttered. 

_It would, of course, leave the most basic of my memories (name, age, structure of society) but all else would be erased. I wouldn't have anything left._

What was that about? Some sort of spell, it looked like, that would erase the user’s memories. But Magnus had said “my” memories. There had to be a reasonable explanation for that, hadn't there? 

Alec flipped to the next page, already feeling a little bit queasy, as if his body knew something that he hadn’t figured out yet. 

_As best as I can tell from my sources, the spell would also leave me with very little emotional capacity, for a temporary period. I wouldn't feel the loss- I wouldn't have to feel any of it._

Alec swallowed. A spell that would erase Magnus's memories, and leave him with a dulled ability to feel? Perhaps Magnus was only speaking in first person as an example. 

Alec let out a breath, temporarily comforted. Of course Magnus would never use a spell like that on himself. He had too many responsibilities, too many people he loved- he had Alec, didn't he? But even as Alec thought that, he realized his own inadequacy in Magnus's life. Magnus wouldn't use the spell, but it wouldn't be because of him. 

The spell wasn't mentioned for a few days after that last entry, and then, dated only three weeks ago, it came up again. 

_I found the missing ingredients for the spell, from a woman named Marie. She smiled sadly at me as she handed them over; I think she knew what I was intending. I wonder if she has ever lost anyone to grief, before. I wonder if she has ever felt that kind of grief herself._

At this point, Alec really felt like he was going to be sick. His fingers were shaking, but he couldn't make himself stop reading. There had to be an explanation. There had to be, because if the love of his life was planning on taking his own memories-

_My only regret will be the people I leave behind._

Oh god, Alec thought. Oh god please let this be a mistake. Most of Magnus’s close friends were immortal. Did that mean that these memories wouldn’t come back? 

_Catarina will forgive me. She will mourn me, but she has a life of her own, as she has always had, and she will not suffer for long._

Alec was underwater, suddenly. Or at least, that was the only explanation for why he was having so much trouble breathing, and why he was suddenly so cold. Dimly, Alec registered a flash of anger. Magnus was right- Catarina was competent, and had a fulfilling life- but did he really think she wouldn't suffer? Somehow Alec doubted that she would be as quick to forgive as Magnus was describing. 

_Raphael, too, will forgive me in time. He will understand why. My biggest regret will be leaving him alone now that Ragnor is gone... I'm sure the old grouch would have tried to stop me, too, and maybe he would have been right. In any case, Raphael will be okay._

Alec felt tears spilling over as he read. These notes sounded too much like an apology, too much like a goodbye. Alec didn’t want to read anymore. Curiousity killed the cat, as they always said, and what had started out for Alec as idle curiousity had got him somewhere far darker than he could have expected. 

But then he found his own name. Hastily he wiped the tears away in order to read. 

_Alexander will not forgive me, of this I am sure. But he is young, and he will move on. I would only hope that he knows not to blame himself._

That was it. Three sentences, as if that was all that was needed to describe Alec's love for this man. To describe how Alec would be affected, should Magnus perform this spell, which would be little better than death. 

Because Alec knew with certainty that if Magnus did this, he would leave, and Alec would never see him again. 

Alec retched, doubling over. He dry heaved again and again, trying to let himself cry but finding that he had no tears to give. He was too enraged. 

He righted himself, struggling to breath, and flipped the pages forward until he found the latest entry. Maybe there would be something there- maybe Magnus would have changed his mind. 

Just as his eyes focused on the top of the page, though, he heard the sound of the front door opening. 

Magnus. 

Alec froze, stepping instinctively back from the book as if it had burned him. He didn't want to be caught reading it; but then, he realized, they were beyond that now weren't they? What did it matter if Magnus was angry, if he was going to leave? He wouldn't remember the fight, Alec thought bitterly. He wouldn't remember any of it. 

He heard Magnus humming as he came in. Fabric rustled- he was probably hanging up his coat- and then Magnus called out. “Alexander? Are you home?” 

Alec had the childish urge to deny it, to call back and say that he wasn't, but he forced it down. Instead he held still, in soldier's position, as Magnus made his way into the living room. 

“Alexander? Alexa-oh. There you are.” 

Alec took a breath in through his nose, determined not to move. He could practically hear the confusion radiating off of Magnus, but so far it was still gentle. Innocent. Magnus didn't know that Alec knew. 

But Magnus knew. He had this plan in his head and yet he came home every night, slept in the bed with Alec, said _I love you too._ He had been living a lie for weeks, and Alec had been fooled. 

“Is something wrong, darling?” Magnus was a few feet behind Alec now. He wouldn't come closer- he respected Alec's boundaries. He was always patient, always eager to listen. But he never gave himself away, did he? Alec felt the growing awareness of the power imbalance in their relationship like a weight on his chest. 

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Alec asked, barely over a whisper. 

The background noises stopped as Magnus froze. “Sorry?”

“I said, is there something you want to tell me, Magnus.” 

Alec could picture Magnus's frown, his little furrowed brow and tilt of the head. “Is there something you want me to tell you?” 

Alec snorted. “You could say that.” 

When Magnus didn't say anything, Alec picked up the book. He held it up for Magnus to see, open to the page that so blithely predicted Alec's reaction. He still didn't turn around. “You want to tell me what this is?” His voice was dangerously sharp; he knew he should calm himself, should speak more softly, but he couldn't make himself do it. 

There was a small intake of breath behind him. Then silence. 

That was the final straw. Some small, pathetic part of Alec had still hoped for something. That maybe Magnus would laugh, or explain it away. Not anymore. 

“How long?” Alec asked. Although he wasn't sure what he was really even asking. _How long have you been suffering without telling anyone?_

_How long have you wanted to leave me?_

There was another, longer inhalation, and then “Four months.” 

Alec closed his eyes. “Were you ever going to tell me?” 

He already knew the answer, so it didn't make sense that it hurt so much when Magnus said, softly, “No.”

“When?” 

“Why were you reading my personal journal?” It was his High Warlock voice, but Alec wasn't going to cave.

“ _When,_ Magnus?”

“I wouldn’t have left while there was still any danger” Magnus replied after a beat. “But I wasn't actually going to do it, Alec. I never planned to go through with it.” 

“You found the ingredients” Alec's voice was steel; if he could keep it that way, maybe it wouldn't break under the weight of his hurt. 

“Yes” Magnus answered. “But that was just a- a back up, a tool of comfort, so I knew that I could escape if it ever- if I ever needed to.” 

Alec finally turned; his boyfriend was standing there, lit by the sun streaming in through the window, a walking oxymoron. Shining, powerful, beautiful, was countered by hunched, vulnerable, disparaged. For everything that Magnus was, there was an awful lot that he pretended he wasn't. 

“Why?” Alec whispered. 

Magnus turned away, pacing toward the door. “I needed to know that I had a way out.” 

Alec shook his head, even though Magnus couldn't see it. “No, not that. You know that's not what I'm asking.”

Magnus voice was flat. “Then ask your question, Alec.”

Alec wanted to scream, to throw something, to shout _why_ at the universe and scoff in its face. Instead he let his voice raise in volume, let his body unfreeze. “Why, Magnus? Why would you- has it really been that bad? What drove you to-to this, in the first place? A way out from _what?_ ”

Magnus turned back, eyes blazing, and Alec was reminded of heavenly fire and the flames of hell. “Do you have any idea, Alec, of what it's like to live with four centuries of painful memories? Four centuries worth of loss, heartbreak, self-hatred, despair?” 

Magnus lowered his voice, shaking his head in resignation. He stepped back from Alec. “No, of course you don't” he scoffed, humourless. “You can't. You'll never understand.” 

Alec stepped forward resolutely, encouraged by the display of emotion. “Tell me” he said softly. “Make me understand.” 

“It's just so much, Alec.” Magnus had tears in his eyes, now, and although his fists were still clenched tightly, it seemed as though the wind had been knocked out of him; he looked so tired. “It's all so much. The emotions, the pain, it's so much, it's too much, this whole world is too much and I'm too much and I- I can't.” Magnus hung his head. “I can't.” 

Alec was shaking, and Magnus was shaking, and perhaps the whole universe was shaking with them because how could it not? How could anyone face a broken Magnus Bane and not end up a casualty? “What about the good?” Alec asked, voice desperate, bordering on a whine. “Surely there must be good things to live for?”

Magnus closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, there was deep sorrow behind them. “It's not enough, Alec. I'm sorry.” 

“What about us?” Alec stepped forward again, trying to close this distance between them. “What about- what about me?”

Magnus blew out a long breath. “Alexander...” 

He wouldn't say it- Magnus would never say it- but Alec knew that his question had been answered. 

He took a deep breath, as if that would steady him, as if oxygen could keep the remains of his shattered heart together. “Okay” he said. 

Magnus looked up, startled. “Okay?”

Alec nodded. “Okay. I don't agree, and I don't want this, but you're right- I can't understand. Besides, you're the High Warlock of Brooklyn, Magnus. If you really want this, I couldn't stop you, even if I wanted to. But I won't try to.” 

Magnus looked like he'd been doused in cold water. “I told you I wasn't going to go through with it.” 

“And that was a lie, I know it was. Your mind isn't made up yet, is it? But you knew that if I knew about it, and didn't stop you, that the guilt would bury me, so you lied.” Magnus's eyes flashed in recognition. “I'm giving you my blessing” Alec choked the words out like poison. “Do it, if that's what you really want.”

Magnus's words were ice, but his eyes looked desperate. “Are you going to leave?” 

“No” Alec crossed his arms over his chest, a poor imitation of a stubborn child. “If you're going to go through with it, then you're going to have to do it in front of me.” 

Then Alec forced his legs to move, and forced his waist to bend, and sat himself down on the couch.


	2. It Hurts Like Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec deal with (some of) the fall-out from the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I'm trash and I decided to make this three chapters, because I didn't want a ridiculously long second chapter. I'm currently writing the last part, so once again, you shouldn't have to wait long. 
> 
> I'm hoping that in the end, this will live up to the expectations from the first chapter! All of the comments were lovely :)

The stand-off dragged on until the silence was unbearable. 

It was quiet, so quiet, _too_ fucking goddamn quiet. But Alec wasn’t going to cave first. 

So, a half an hour later, when Magnus rose, wordlessly, and shuffled himself to bed in the uneven light of the streetlamps outside, Alec didn’t say a word. 

And the next morning, when Alec woke up just after dawn on the same sofa he’d started all of this on and found Magnus in the kitchen, cradling a cup of coffee to his chest as if he needed it for warmth, he still didn’t say anything. 

Now, Alec wasn't sure what time it was, but it was a couple of hours after dawn-and the last sighting of Magnus- and he hadn't heard a peep from Magnus's room. At some point last night, Alec had had the good sense to close the book and put it randomly onto a shelf. He was sort of regretting that decision, now; if he could find it again and read more, maybe he could make more sense of this. Maybe he’d figure out how to say the right thing, to make Magnus talk. 

To make Magnus stay. 

Fuck.

Moments from last night flashed through Alec’s mind like flashbacks: 

_“You were suffering” Alec emphasized, slowly, “you’ve been suffering, all this time, and you kept it to yourself. You were just going to walk out- to leave, and throw away everything away- and you weren’t even going to tell me!”_

_Magnus’s expression went flat. “I don’t owe you an explanation. People leave each other all the time for different reasons, Alec.”_

It had quickly become clear that Magnus wasn’t going to call Alec’s bluff. He wasn’t going to perform the spell right there, right then, with Alec sitting on his couch. But who’s to say he wouldn’t’ do it later, once Alec left? Or in a month? Even a year? 

If he could keep those kinds of secrets, there was no trusting his existence in Alec’s life anymore, was there? 

_“That’s not a regular break-up and you know it, Magnus! You wouldn’t have remembered me!”_

By mid-morning, Alec was beginning to feel foolish in his position on the couch. He’d hardly eaten, he’d hardly slept, Magnus was still in his bedroom, and this was going to go on forever if neither of them caved. 

But, as was often the case, it seemed that the universe was going to make the decision for them. 

The sound of a door opening startled Alec from his thoughts, followed by the soft padding of footsteps down the hallway. Alec watched as Magnus stumbled into the kitchen- still in the clothes from last night but otherwise bed-rumpled- and blearily reached for a cup of water. 

_“You would have just disappeared!” Alec shouted. “How can I ever trust you again?”_

_“You held me down in a chair for execution, and I learned to trust you again” Magnus hissed._

But that’s just it, Alec thought now. He hadn’t. 

Concern for his boyfriend brought Alec's focus firmly back to the present again. Magnus seemed to be somewhere in his own head; he was murmuring to himself, staring vacantly ahead, not even moving to drink the water he’d just poured for himself. Even in his clothes from last night, he looked wilted, consumed in something that only he could see. 

Alec felt a flash of uncertainty when Magnus didn’t even acknowledge him sitting there. In fact, he almost seemed to have forgotten Alec’s presence entirel-

Wait. Shit. 

“Magnus?” 

There was no response, or even an indication that Magnus had heard. He just leaned heavily against the counter, closing his eyes. 

No no no nonono-

“Magnus?”

Nonononono God please no Alec hadn’t even had _warning;_ they hadn’t even talked-

This time Magnus seemed to hear him, but only vaguely. He turned his head toward Alec dazedly, his eyes focusing somewhere on the window behind Alec’s head. “Alec- Alexander?” 

“Magnus, are you alright?” He’d meant to ask _what did you do?,_ but this question had popped out first, and he wasn’t going to take it back. 

Magnus blinked. “Sure. Sure, yes. I’m fine.” 

Alec took a deep breath in, already berating himself for not following Magnus into the bedroom sooner, or checking in on him. How could he have been so stupid? 

_Don’t panic, Alec. He recognized you, he knew your name, he couldn’t have done the spell._ Could he? 

“No, it doesn’t seem like you are” Alec said cautiously, “I’m going to come over to you- is that okay?” 

Magnus nodded wearily. Alec came toward his boyfriend, pausing an arm’s length away, but didn’t touch him. 

“Magnus, what happened? Did you do something?”

Magnus tilted his head, considering the question for far longer than it was due. “I don’t- I can’t-“

Alec wasn’t sure how he was still holding it together enough to speak, but suddenly he was grateful for his siblings and all of his years of practice keeping it together when it felt impossible. “You didn’t do a- a spell, did you? You didn’t do something to yourself?”

Magnus shook his head. “I haven’t done anything.”

Alec let out a breath, enormously relieved despite the fact that he wasn’t ready to let his guard down yet. “Did you drink anything? How much have you eaten?”

Magnus shook his head again. “No, you don’t understand. I haven’t done _anything._ ”

Alec stopped his hand mid-air as it reached out for his boyfriend. Not yet, he couldn’t touch yet. “What do you mean?” 

Magnus took a deep breath in; when he spoke it was a little bit clearer. “I didn’t sleep last night, or the night before. I haven’t eaten, or drank, or… I don’t know.”

Alec felt his heart split. “How long?” 

“All night, I think. And before that, too, I- I don’t know.”

“But I saw you” Alec half-accused, feeling the need to prove Magnus wrong, to prove that he wasn’t a failure of a boyfriend for letting this happen. “You had coffee earlier, and you made toast.”

The corner of Magnus’s mouth lifted ruefully. “I couldn’t eat them, so I sent them to Sam.” 

Sam, the homeless man that slept on the other side of their block

Alec huffed out a little laugh, because of course Magnus would still think of others at a time like this. He couldn’t help his relief from sneaking through, though. Magnus hadn’t done the spell. Magnus hadn’t forgotten him. 

Things were still okay. 

Sort of. 

“Shit” Alec muttered. “No wonder you’re so out of it. Here, let me take care of you.” 

Magnus shook his head, the gesture a little bit desperate. “No, you can’t.” 

“Why not?” Alec asked, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes wearily. 

“You’re mad” Magnus said, as if that explained everything. “You’re mad at me and I fucked up and you shouldn’t be taking care of me because I don’t deserve it and I can’t I _can’t,_ Alec.” Tears were pooling in his eyes, and Alec felt all of his resolve leave him. 

_God, Magnus._

“Hey,” he murmured, and finally gave in, reaching out to put an arm around his boyfriend. “Shh, my love, it’s okay. I am mad, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t take care of you.” _I’ll always take care of you._ “Come sit, you’ll feel better once you’ve eaten and rested.” 

Alec guided Magnus to the couch, gently, and then waited a beat to make sure that he was sufficiently calmed before starting back to the kitchen. Magnus’s hand shot out as if to grab Alec’s wrist, but he seemed to change his mind and pull it back at the last second, looking pained. 

“I’ll be right back, I promise” Alec said, leaning down to kiss Magnus on the forehead. He hadn’t had many chances to take care of Magnus before, but this was a theme that Alec had already noticed; when Magnus was vulnerable, he feared being left, even for a moment, as if the person wouldn’t come back. 

Ironic, Alec thought bitterly, as he went to the kitchen. The man that fears being left, plotting to leave everyone behind. Plotting to forget them, as if they had never mattered. 

Magnus should find that ironic, too; as the immortal one, he was always the constant presence. Perhaps that’s why he’d been drawn to this plan in the first place. Maybe it was a burden, always being the unmoving shore of a river. Maybe he was tempted to jump into the current, just this once, and watch the shore disappear behind him. 

Now Alec understood. It really fucking sucked, being the shore that would be left behind. 

But Alec forced his anger down again. Not now. Now, he made toast. Now, boiled the kettle for tea, grabbed a glass of water, and chopped strawberries. Now, he did these manual tasks, because otherwise he might lose it. And Magnus needed him not to lose it. 

Not yet. 

When everything was ready, Alec took the tray in, finding Magnus sitting in the exact same spot on the couch, staring at the far wall. “Here, love, eat all of this, and then maybe we’ll talk, okay?” 

Alec had gotten himself some toast, too, so that he wasn’t alone in eating. They ate and drank in heavy silence, and ten minutes later, Magnus put the tray beside him. 

“I’m done.” 

“Me too” Alec answered off-handedly, but he was watching Magnus. 

Magnus shifted, looking sore as he moved his legs to the side and sat up a bit. His eyes were definitely more focused now, and he was clear when he spoke. “We can talk, if you want.” 

Something was still off. So Alec shook his head. 

Magnus’s expression crumpled, disappointment reflecting in his eyes, and Alec rushed to reassure him. “No, I mean, I do want to talk, but I think we should both get some sleep first.”

Magnus bit his lip and nodded, and squeezed his eyes shut, still sitting up. “I’ll see you in a bit, then?” 

That. Right there. That was what was off: when Magnus was tired, or feeling confronted, he wore his heart on his sleeve. It made things easier for Alec, who could finally see and understand Magnus’s vulnerabilities and insecurities, but Magnus didn’t like to be out of control. Alec wasn’t about to betray that trust, and make him more exposed than he was comfortable with, just to make things easier. 

No matter how desperate he was. 

“Can I stay?” Alec asked. 

“If you’d like” was Magnus’s quiet response, and then he shuffled down, resting his head on the arm rest, on his side facing away from Alec. 

Alec took their trays and moved them to the floor, then settled in next to Magnus. He tried to pretend that this was just a regular night that they were together, and not the day after Alec had found out that Magnus wanted to leave him. 

In honour of pretending, and as a reflection of his real desperation, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus’s waist and put his face into Magnus’s neck, feeling his heartbeat through his back. 

Magnus was still here. Whatever may come, right now, he was here. 

They were both here. 

If Alec stayed awake listening to that steady, present heartbeat instead of sleeping, then no one would have to know. 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the flashbacks didn't make things too confusing. Also, the 'oh shit did Magnus perform the spell' moment wasn't just for the angst; I wanted to include Magnus using self-destructive behaviours and dissociating, since it's close to my heart and I firmly believe that Magnus would have dissociative episodes. 
> 
> yell at me or hmu at wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com


	3. You Come Right After Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thank you to everyone who's stuck through this. We're at the end, finally! Hopefully it's a happy one . 
> 
> Once again, feel free to come yell at me or talk Shadowhunters at wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com

\---

When they woke, it was warm. 

They seemed to wake together, both stirring at the same time, both slowly unwrapping and unfolding, reluctantly separating to either side of the couch. 

“Good afternoon” Alec whispered. Although he had no idea what time it actually was, at this point. It was still light out; the sun was filtering in through the thin blue curtains on Magnus’s bay window, stretching lazily across their backs and warming their skin. 

But time hadn’t exactly seemed like a priority after the devastation of last night. 

They sat up blearily, and Alec was overcome- not nearly for the first time- by how beautiful and handsome and soft Magnus looked like this, when first waking up. But even as Alec blinked that changed; Magnus’s expression hardened, and he cleared this throat, folding his hands in his lap. 

_Let me hold on to this just a little bit longer,_ he wanted to beg. But he didn’t. 

“I didn’t do the spell, just so you’re sure” Magnus muttered stiffly, almost formally. “I know you must have been worried about that at first, and I apologize for scaring you.” 

Just as quickly as Magnus had, Alec seemed to shed his vulnerability. “That’s what you’re sorry for?” 

There was an awkward, jagged moment of silence, and then Alec took a deep breath. “Magnus I-“

“No” Magnus interrupted. “You’re right, Alec. There’s more that I need to apologize for. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, knowing that I had thought about walking away from you like that. I don’t want you to think that what we’ve been doing together is-“

“No” this time it was Alec’s turn to cut him off. “No, Magnus, don’t apologize for that part. I get it. I mean, it hurts- it really fucking hurts- that I’m not enough to make you stay, but I get it. I’m not even the most important thing in your life, and you were going to leave the rest of it behind, too. With the scope of pain that you’re talking about… No, I’m not surprised, and I’m not offended.” 

Magnus looked genuinely startled. “Then what?” 

Alec clenched his jaw. “You can’t think of any other reason why I’d be mad, other than my own ego? Really?” 

Magnus sighed softly. “I didn’t mean it like that. I wouldn’t have blamed you, if that’s what you were mad about. It’s hard, not feeling like you’re enough for someone.” 

Alec knew that it was meant to be genuine- and likely, a reflection of Magnus’s personal experiences- but it still came across as condescending, and he felt another flash of anger. “It’s not just that you were going to leave” he bit out, “it’s that you weren’t planning on telling me about it.” 

Magnus sighed, and it was so much his façade- a bored, derisive noise- that Alec felt his desperation grow in conjunction with his frustration. Magnus was putting up his walls. After everything, he was still putting up his walls. 

“Four months” Alec practically whispered, feeling the full weight of Magnus’s plan sinking into his stomach “You made me believe that you were happy for four months.” 

Magnus seemed unbothered. His posture straightened, but he stared behind Alec’s head, quirking an eyebrow dismissively. “Well, I wasn’t.” 

Yeah, no kidding. 

This was bullshit, wasn’t it? All of it. Alec had tried, over the whole course of their relationship, to pull down both of their walls. In fact, Magnus had been the biggest supporter of that, and was basically the reason that Alec was who he was right now. They’d come into things with such strong defenses, and it had been a process for them to help each other let go. 

It was part of why Alec had loved them together; they were growing, as a couple, always. But this… well, it seemed as though that last wall had never really come down for Magnus. It was a more than a little bit of a shock, and Alec was lost. 

“Clearly” Alec shot back. He felt his energy building and he stood, already gesturing erratically with his hands. “Four months is a hell of a long time to build up a lie, Magnus. Don’t act like I’m overreacting.”

“I never said you were” Magnus replied. 

Alec shook his head, exasperated. ““What were you _thinking,_ Magnus? What about Catarina? Raphael? What would they think?” He paused, and then, in a burst of vindictiveness, added “What would _Ragnor_ have said?”

He knew that it was a low blow, but he wasn’t going to take it back. Not while Magnus was pretending like nothing even mattered. 

_Did I even matter to him?_ Alec had thought so, but-

Magnus’s fists clenched and magic sparked out around his fingers, his eyes flashing gold. “Ragnor is dead” he spat out. “No thanks to your kind.”

Alec grimaced, determined not to follow down the course of that comment. _Your kind._ That was a different conversation entirely. 

Wasn’t it? 

“He loved you” Alec stated. “He wouldn’t have wanted this for you.” 

“What do you know about it?” Magnus replied, voice shakily rising in volume. 

Alec paused his movements, staring down at Magnus where he was sitting on the couch, looking for all the world like a man who was burning with anger. 

If Magnus wanted to encourage that flame, he could, and he was. They had that in common. Anger was easier than hurt, after all. 

“You’re right” Alec conceded. “I don’t know anything about him. But I do know what it feels like to love you.” 

Magnus tightened his fists as he stood to match Alec. “Don’t.” 

Alec shook his head again, anger surging in his gut. “Don’t what? Don’t love you? You have no right to be angry with me, Magnus.” 

Magnus laughed-actually fucking laughed- out loud. “I don’t?” he asked, voice sharp. “Really?”

_Were you ever happy? Or has it always been a lie?_ “You’re just mad because I’m right, and you won’t admit it to yourself.” 

Magnus was breathing heavily now, and he looked truly like a High Warlock in all of his blazing glory and power. “I’m done talking.”

“I’m not.”

Sparks crackled out of the tips of Magnus’s fingers, a sure tell of his emotional state. “ Leave it alone, Alec.” 

Alec almost laughed. “Leave it alone?” he yelled, voice cracking in his disbelief. “You’re asking me to forget this?”

When Magnus only held his stare, Alec threw up his hands. “I can’t believe you. Answer one question for me, then. Do you still want to do it?”

Magnus seemed to wither a little, but he didn’t break eye contact. “I told you that I wasn’t going to go through with it.” 

“That’s not what I asked you. Do you still want to do the spell, Magnus?” 

Magnus answered through clenched teeth. “That’s none of your business.” 

Right. That hurt.

Alec bit back a retort, deflating. He felt like he’d been slapped. Magnus already looked contrite, as if he’d regretted what he said as soon as it was out, but he held his ground. 

They stared each other down for a long moment, and then Alec stepped back. “Fine” he said. “Just… fine. But you’re doing this to yourself, I hope you know that.” 

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?” 

Alec forced his voice to come out a little softer, but he couldn’t make his posture relax. Some part of him wanted to cry, to wrap his arms around Magnus and apologize and make this better, but he knew that he couldn’t. For both of them, he couldn’t. 

“You’re doing this to yourself” Alec repeated. “You won’t let people in, and then it bites you in the ass. I didn’t know how much you’d been suffering, Magnus, because you didn’t tell me. I didn’t know that for four goddamn months you’ve been trying to figure out a way to disappear, because you didn’t tell me!”

Alec sighed, swiping a hand across his face. This conversation wasn’t going at all the way he hoped, but he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was in over his head. “Maybe I should go” Alec said, half to himself. But part of him was screaming, his eyes silently pleading with Magnus to tell him not to leave. 

But he didn’t.

So Alec turned to go, his stomach clenched in one hard knot. He hadn’t wanted to be the shore, but he didn’t want to be another river in Magnus’s life, either. 

_Don’t make me go. Please don’t make me go._

“Yes.” 

Alec stopped at the door, breathing deeply, and turned back toward Magnus. “What?” 

“Yes” Magnus repeated, his voice small. 

Alec’s eyes widened. “I don’t...?” 

“You asked me if I still wanted to do it.” 

Alec stared, trying to read Magnus the same way he would start in on a puzzle. Magnus, with his ruffled hair and dark circles. Magnus, who even when he had felt sorrow and anger in the past, had still had a spark of hope in his eyes, but not this time. 

You asked me if I still wanted to do it. 

Then it clicked, and Alec immediately felt all of his remaining anger crumble away. He stepped forward in two surges, finally, _finally_ closing some of the distance between them. He hesitated for a moment, arms already hovering out in front of him. He wanted to be certain- to be sure that he had consent for this. 

When Magnus nodded, weakly, Alec let out his breath, closing the rest of the distance before wrapping his arms tightly around Magnus, just like he had on that day outside of the steps of the Institute.

_I love you._

_I love you I love you I love you._

Magnus stiffened for a moment, before going limp in Alec’s arms.

_I love you too._

“You were right” Magnus whispered into Alec’s shoulder. “I’ve been pushing you away, and I’m sorry.” 

Relief hit Alec’s veins like cool water. “I’m so sorry” Alec whispered back, into this little bubble they were making together, still hugging Magnus tightly to him. “God I’m sorry, Magnus. I’m so sorry for everything.” 

Alec felt Magnus’s soft, warm hand gently smoothing down his hair, at the same time as he felt hot tears soaking through his shirt. 

“It’s okay” Magnus soothed. “It’s okay. I should have told you. I should have- I shouldn’t have even planned something like that, in the first place.” 

Alec sighed heavily, pulling back only enough to guide them both so that they were sitting side by side on the couch. He took Magnus’s hand in his and squeezed it, leaning his head sideways to rest it in the crook of Magnus’s neck, feeling comforted but still so completely overwhelmed. 

For a moment, they just lived in frozen time. 

The clock ticked in the background, a metronome to their breathing, as minutes passed by.

“Have I ever told you about the time that I got drunk, and went to the desert?” 

Magnus sounded resigned, like this story was already exhausting him.

“I- no” Alec stuttered out, without the faintest idea of what Magnus was talking about, but feeling like it was important. “But what-“

“I wanted to be a cactus.” 

Alec raised an eyebrow, completely bewildered. “A cactus?” 

“I was really drunk” Magnus smirked, although it didn’t reach his eyes, and lifted one shoulder in an imitation of a shrug. “And heartbroken. And _tired._ God, I was so tired. And I remember thinking that I didn’t want to die, exactly, but I just wanted to…” Magnus waved his hands out in the air, vaguely, “to not be, for a while.” 

Alec nodded slowly, trying to catch up with where this was going. “So the spell…?” 

Magnus exhaled softly. “I didn’t want to die.” 

There was a heavy pause, to the point where Alec wasn’t sure if Magnus would continue. Alec squeezed his arm. 

“I’ll admit that there was something appealing about the idea of a blank slate” Magnus finally said, haltingly, eyes still in his lap. “I could start over, be somebody else, without all of the memories. Without my demons chasing behind me.”

“Then why didn’t you- why not go through with it?” Alec asked, trying to keep his voice gentle. 

Magnus bit his lip. “I realized that I couldn’t run from myself. I’d never be able to run fast enough. And besides” he added, this time meeting Alec’s gaze, “I couldn’t leave behind the people that I loved. I suppose I’ve always been soft like that.” 

There was a twinkle of humour in Magnus’s eyes, and Alec felt himself soften. “I wouldn’t have moved on, you know.”

Magnus squinted. “What?”

“Your book” Alec clarified. “You said that I wouldn’t forgive you, but I would move on. You were wrong. On both counts.”

Magnus looked genuinely confused. “You would have forgiven me?” 

Alec wrapped an arm around his boyfriend and nodded, considering. “Yeah. I mean, I would have been mad, and hurt, and I know I wouldn’t have ever found someone else like you. But I would have had to forgive you.” 

“I don’t understand.”

Alec smiled. “You’re the nicest, most selfless person I’ve ever met, Mags. If you had decided to leave your responsibilities behind- leave Catarina, and Raphael behind- then there must be more hurt than I could possibly understand. How could I judge you for wanting to get away from that? Although,” Alec added, finding himself smiling just slightly, “I would have preferred the cactus plan.” 

Magnus gave Alec a watery smile, the one he reserved for when Alec had truly surprised him. “I’m sorry” he whispered again. 

Alec kissed him on the cheek. “I know.”

They sat in silence for another minute, comfortable- safe- as they just relished in the feeling of holding and being held. 

Then Alec broke it. “We need to talk about this. All of it.” 

“I know.” 

“I’m not going to pressure you, or at least, I don’t want to. But I can’t- I can’t keep not knowing, Magnus. I don’t want to be out here in the dark while you’re suffering. I love you, but I don’t trust that you’ll be here anymore, and it kills me.”

“I understand.” 

Alec took Magnus’s cheek in his palm, rubbing a thumb under his eye. “I want to understand why you’re in so much pain. And I know some of it is going to hurt me- especially when the pain was my fault- but I want to hear it anyways.”

Magnus was very still, breathing carefully and shallowly; it seemed like he was holding back from flinching away from Alec’s soft strokes. “I don’t want you to pity me. And I don’t- I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” 

Alec knew enough about Magnus’s past to know that a lot of it wasn’t pretty. He also knew that Magnus was a proud man, and would not want to be thought of differently. He nodded. 

“I understand that. But I love you so much, Magnus, and you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. I can’t imagine a world where I’d do anything but admire you.” 

The corner of Magnus’s eyes crinkled up as he smiled. “Thank you.”

“If you won’t talk to me, you have to at least talk to someone else. I don’t care who.” 

Alec truly meant it. He’d love for Magnus to talk to him, to trust him, but what he wanted more was for his boyfriend to be okay. No matter how that happened, Alec would be content, at the least. 

Magnus stroked Alec’s cheek in return. “I want it to be you.”

For the first time since all of this had started, Magnus leaned in and kissed him on the lips. “ I’ll have to earn back your trust” he declared, “But,” he pivoted, grasping Alec’s cheeks lightly on both sides to meet his gaze with sudden firmness, “I need you to understand that I won’t go through with the spell. I still want to, sometimes- that part was true- but I won’t. I give you my word on that.” 

Alec felt something in his chest loosen. He swallowed thickly. “I trust you. It’s just going to-“

“Take some time” Magnus finished for him, with a nod. “I get it.”

“And” Alec added, feeling a sudden burst of shame. “I know that I’ll have to earn back your trust, too. I’ve done some shitty things, Magnus. A few of them in this conversation, actually.” Magnus’s eyes sparked with humour and recognition. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for that until I’ve proven to you that you that I deserve it.” 

They kissed again, and Alec felt another piece of tightness in his chest loosen. Suddenly he couldn’t remember how he’d managed to breathe throughout this whole conversation. 

Magnus had tears in his eyes, and he was so goddamn beautiful, and Alec just wanted things to be okay but right now he really wanted to kiss his boyfriend again and he did, again and again and again. 

Magnus kissed back, matching Alec’s passion easily. 

Magnus kissed back. Magnus was here.

There was still a lot of building to do for the both of them, but Alec was happy to grow together. And right now all he could feel was closeness. 

So they kissed, and they kissed, and somewhere along the way, Alec found himself wrapped around Magnus again, listening for his heartbeat. 

And later, after they’d eaten again, and Alec had handed the phone to Magnus with a stern “talk to Catarina,” Alec found himself falling asleep to that heartbeat, and to the breathtakingly warm sound of Magnus’s gentle sniffling and laughter.

\--- 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to lowkey use this platform to ask that you check this little thing out that I wrote http://wewalkadifferentpath.tumblr.com/post/162725830478/raphael-santiago-is-important-to-me if you want to learn more about asexuality on SH and what it means to me.


End file.
